No you don't tell them, and you back off if the person you're approaching tells you that they're in a relationship.
Otherwise attractive men who use the "I just want to be your side man", "I can do you better than your man though", "Your man would never find out" etc. type lines automatically become unattractive when they show such a blatant disregard and disrespect for what I'm telling them.
This has happened a lot to you then, huh? Being asked, I mean?
You definitely do not TELL someone married or involved that you 'fancy' them, that is the way of the rank amateur.
If you cannot do it by subtle body language, or meaningful, but unthreatening eye movements, discreet glances for example, then you shouldn't be in the game.
The English are wonderful people, beautiful women, and a host of attractive men, but when it comes down to carnal matters, you don't seem to be able to play the game with the same single minded attitude of your continental neighbours.
No you don't tell them, and you back off if the person you're approaching tells you that they're in a relationship.
Otherwise attractive men who use the "I just want to be your side man", "I can do you better than your man though", "Your man would never find out" etc. type lines automatically become unattractive when they show such a blatant disregard and disrespect for what I'm telling them.
That may well be the case in your book, fair play to you.
Sadly however most marriages end in divorce nowadays and huge numbers of married people have affairs. Who are they having affairs with? people who tell them they don't like them?
This is all a bit raw for me, as my husband of 20+ years recently admitted to cheating on me. With hindsight, any previous flirtations that I may have experienced just seem so dumb-ass stupid. What's involved here is unbelievable pain and distress, with every atom of both married and family life affected. The good news is that the HIV test came back negative.
Don't go there, as statistically, the player external to the marriage really doesn't do well in the outcome.
This is all a bit raw for me, as my husband of 20+ years recently admitted to cheating on me. With hindsight, any previous flirtations that I may have experienced just seem so dumb-ass stupid. What's involved here is unbelievable pain and distress, with every atom of both married and family life affected. The good news is that the HIV test came back negative.
Don't go there, as statistically, the player external to the marriage really doesn't do well in the outcome.
Glad the HIV Test came back negative. Sorry for your experience.
I asked her if she was prepared to put her life on hold and she didn't answer so I assume she wouldn't put her life on hold waiting potentially years for him to naturally break up which means he means little to her.
Nothing more than a crush and you shouldn't ruin people's lives over a crush.
This is all a bit raw for me, as my husband of 20+ years recently admitted to cheating on me. With hindsight, any previous flirtations that I may have experienced just seem so dumb-ass stupid. What's involved here is unbelievable pain and distress, with every atom of both married and family life affected. The good news is that the HIV test came back negative.
Don't go there, as statistically, the player external to the marriage really doesn't do well in the outcome.
Oh I am so sorry to hear that
My first husband did it to me after ten years, I just couldn't and it was divorce. Obviously, the kids grew up without him and I can never forget the pain, it will always be there which is why it could t have been fixed for us.
It's so frustrating when people shrug as if it's all fun and games. It's people's lives and people really do suffer.
I really hope you feel better soon and work through however and whatever you need.
My first husband did it to me after ten years, I just couldn't and it was divorce. Obviously, the kids grew up without him and I can never forget the pain, it will always be there which is why it could t have been fixed for us.
It's so frustrating when people shrug as if it's all fun and games. It's people's lives and people really do suffer.
I really hope you feel better soon and work through however and whatever you need.
Sylvia Plath's response to her husband's adultery was to stick her head in an oven.
People need to understand it really can destroy lives, even potentially push people over the edge like poor Sylvia.
For anyone in similar circumstances, I recommend 'After the Affair' by J Abrahms Spring. When I couldn't even look at my husband, in both reading the book, it enabled us to at least start the conversation about what had happened, why, and where we want to go next.
For anyone in similar circumstances, I recommend 'After the Affair' by J Abrahms Spring. When I couldn't even look at my husband, in both reading the book, it enabled us to at least start the conversation about what had happened, why, and where we want to go next.
So so painful, for us both, and for our children.
People really do forget about the kids in this.
For some reason my ex decided to be honest and tell them why we were splitting up. My little girl used to cry every night asking the same thing, "Why did daddy love that woman more than us?"
It doesn't matter what you say, they feel that way and it's heart breaking. The stupid thing is he didn't care a jot for the other woman, it was just there.
It also took him a suicide attempt, years under MH and years later to get over the marriage breaking down and have the confidence to see the kids again.
So yeah, unless you want that crap on your conscience, keep your mouth shut and look elsewhere.
I'm married, but don't expect or demand that unmarried people should honour the sanctity of marriage - that's my job, not theirs. If an unmarried/unpartnered person wants to tell me they fancy me, that's up to them and I wouldn't necessarily think it odd or out of order - I just can't ever see myself doing anything about it. I guess it depends how they told me and in what context, too.
And just to lob in, Halpern's study of unfaithful married men indicates that only 3% of straying husbands go on to marry the person they had an affair with, and over 60% of 2nd marriages fail. So that's less than 1.5% of affairs leading to the successful and lasting marriage of the unfaithful partner and the lover.
And just to lob in, Halpern's study of unfaithful married men indicates that only 3% of straying husbands go on to marry the person they had an affair with, and over 60% of 2nd marriages fail. So that's less than 1.5% of affairs leading to the successful and lasting marriage of the unfaithful partner and the lover.
Not really suprising though.. the vast, vast majority of affairs are due to lust (or something else like anger, boredom etc).
People don't have affairs with people they love (ie. they can't love either the wife or the new partner), or they wouldn't do it.
Not really suprising though.. the vast, vast majority of affairs are due to lust (or something else like anger, boredom etc).
That's the male perspective. Women often are unfaithful because they seek love, companionship and understanding, whereas with men, it's usually for opportunistic sex.
That's the male perspective. Women often are unfaithful because they seek love, companionship and understanding, whereas with men, it's usually for opportunistic sex.
Well yeah but the same thing still applies. If they really loved either of the guys they wouldn't have the affair.
The only point I'm making is it's not suprising affairs don't lead to happy marriages, they happen because of chronic problems of whatever type.
So yeah, unless you want that crap on your conscience, keep your mouth shut and look elsewhere.
Except all of that is not down to the single person who made their feelings known, it's down to the married/partnered person who acted on the feelings.
I said that you shouldn't tell the person because its a selfish thing to do and it puts someone in an awkward position... However if you do tell, any affair that then occurs can't happen without the person in a relationship making a choice to enter into the affair.
A decent person who is happy in their relationship would rebuff the advances of any interested parties.
Except all of that is not down to the single person who made their feelings known, it's down to the married/partnered person who acted on the feelings.
I said that you shouldn't tell the person because its a selfish thing to do and it puts someone in an awkward position... However if you do tell, any affair that then occurs can't happen without the person in a relationship making a choice to enter into the affair.
A decent person who is happy in their relationship would rebuff the advances of any interested parties.
Oh, I agree. The one who made the marriage vows is the only one who can break them.
But I can't believe anyone would want to walk into an affair with a married person and be ok with the real consequences. Either people seriously just don't get how devastating it can be or they really have no conscience.
No of course you shouldn't. It's horrible to have another girl after your boyfriend. Especially if she is a friend of his, it puts you in a really awful position and can be very hurtful.
If they wanted you they would be with you, but they don't so they aren't.
Comments
This has happened a lot to you then, huh? Being asked, I mean?
Yes it does.
I feel there is some truth in this somewhere ;-)
It's for married people to behave, that's because they're married, you're not.
Indeed and you'll get plenty of married women and men doing it.
Someone who is single isn't tied to anyone, that's the beauty of it.
That may well be the case in your book, fair play to you.
Sadly however most marriages end in divorce nowadays and huge numbers of married people have affairs. Who are they having affairs with? people who tell them they don't like them?
Setting out to ruin someone else's life isn't beautiful it's ugly.
And it often ends in tragedy.
Don't go there, as statistically, the player external to the marriage really doesn't do well in the outcome.
Glad the HIV Test came back negative. Sorry for your experience.
I asked her if she was prepared to put her life on hold and she didn't answer so I assume she wouldn't put her life on hold waiting potentially years for him to naturally break up which means he means little to her.
Nothing more than a crush and you shouldn't ruin people's lives over a crush.
Oh I am so sorry to hear that
My first husband did it to me after ten years, I just couldn't and it was divorce. Obviously, the kids grew up without him and I can never forget the pain, it will always be there which is why it could t have been fixed for us.
It's so frustrating when people shrug as if it's all fun and games. It's people's lives and people really do suffer.
I really hope you feel better soon and work through however and whatever you need.
Sylvia Plath's response to her husband's adultery was to stick her head in an oven.
People need to understand it really can destroy lives, even potentially push people over the edge like poor Sylvia.
So so painful, for us both, and for our children.
I haven't even bothered to look at page 2 and 3, but a lot of the replies on page 1 seem very OTT
I just don't think there's a problem with revealing your feelings if you genuinely have them - romantic feelings, I'm not talking about lust.
Nobody is saying they have to leave their partner.
People really do forget about the kids in this.
For some reason my ex decided to be honest and tell them why we were splitting up. My little girl used to cry every night asking the same thing, "Why did daddy love that woman more than us?"
It doesn't matter what you say, they feel that way and it's heart breaking. The stupid thing is he didn't care a jot for the other woman, it was just there.
It also took him a suicide attempt, years under MH and years later to get over the marriage breaking down and have the confidence to see the kids again.
So yeah, unless you want that crap on your conscience, keep your mouth shut and look elsewhere.
Not really suprising though.. the vast, vast majority of affairs are due to lust (or something else like anger, boredom etc).
People don't have affairs with people they love (ie. they can't love either the wife or the new partner), or they wouldn't do it.
There's no respect in an affair. If it were love, you'd leave your spouse and start as you mean to go on, but the whole relationship is based on lies.
There are few times it works for people, but it is the exception rather than the rule.
That's the male perspective. Women often are unfaithful because they seek love, companionship and understanding, whereas with men, it's usually for opportunistic sex.
100% agree
Well yeah but the same thing still applies. If they really loved either of the guys they wouldn't have the affair.
The only point I'm making is it's not suprising affairs don't lead to happy marriages, they happen because of chronic problems of whatever type.
Except all of that is not down to the single person who made their feelings known, it's down to the married/partnered person who acted on the feelings.
I said that you shouldn't tell the person because its a selfish thing to do and it puts someone in an awkward position... However if you do tell, any affair that then occurs can't happen without the person in a relationship making a choice to enter into the affair.
A decent person who is happy in their relationship would rebuff the advances of any interested parties.
Oh, I agree. The one who made the marriage vows is the only one who can break them.
But I can't believe anyone would want to walk into an affair with a married person and be ok with the real consequences. Either people seriously just don't get how devastating it can be or they really have no conscience.
If they wanted you they would be with you, but they don't so they aren't.