Perhaps he doesn't like you as much as you like him?
I am just guessing now
Well that's obvious and OP, I think you are perfecty justified in feeling sneaped (never heard of that word before). I had the exact same feeling as you when my niece got married and only invited me to the evening do.
I can't be bothered to be all PC here so am just going to be frank, basically my sis married a workshy waste of space and if it weren't for me and my other sisters her kids would have had a shit upbringing. We all bought them nice clothes and took them out etc. I took my niece on a fortnights holiday to Tenerife when she was younger AND bought her a whole new wardrobe for the duration, she also came several short hols with me and my family, she was also a flowergirl at my wedding. She got married a few years ago and I got an evening invitation, I was shocked. I could have accepted it if it was a case of not affording to feed everyone but half her mates had invites to the whole shebang and I felt decidedly 'sneaped'. To top it all, the wedding was on a Thursday and no kids were invited (our childcare options were at the wedding) so I sent a 'thanks but no thanks'. My sis hasn't spoken to me since, she didn't even phone or ask why I couldn't make it, the fact I didn't go to the evening was enough for her to cut off all contact and she didn't even ask why we couldn't make it. Both she and her daughter have short memories that's all I can say!
OP, f**k em, don't go to the evening do, it's an insult!
Maid in Scotland
I am not surprised you were upset to only be asked to evening do ,what an insult.why do you think that you were not invited to wedding? Had there been any cooling of the relationship with your nieces parents.it seems very odd you weren't invited.
Families can be an endless source of annoyance.
Well that's obvious and OP, I think you are perfecty justified in feeling sneaped (never heard of that word before). I had the exact same feeling as you when my niece got married and only invited me to the evening do.
I can't be bothered to be all PC here so am just going to be frank, basically my sis married a workshy waste of space and if it weren't for me and my other sisters her kids would have had a shit upbringing. We all bought them nice clothes and took them out etc. I took my niece on a fortnights holiday to Tenerife when she was younger AND bought her a whole new wardrobe for the duration, she also came several short hols with me and my family, she was also a flowergirl at my wedding. She got married a few years ago and I got an evening invitation, I was shocked. I could have accepted it if it was a case of not affording to feed everyone but half her mates had invites to the whole shebang and I felt decidedly 'sneaped'. To top it all, the wedding was on a Thursday and no kids were invited (our childcare options were at the wedding) so I sent a 'thanks but no thanks'. My sis hasn't spoken to me since, she didn't even phone or ask why I couldn't make it, the fact I didn't go to the evening was enough for her to cut off all contact and she didn't even ask why we couldn't make it. Both she and her daughter have short memories that's all I can say!
OP, f**k em, don't go to the evening do, it's an insult!
Why didn't you say all this to them? At least you would have known why you weren't given a day invitation instead.
Recently my cousin had a 40th birthday celebration at her local pub. She asked her close family which should have included me but she didn't ask me. Am I bothered? I couldn't care less because I would have to travel 2 hours to get there. I sent her a gift voucher and a nice card. She sent me a thank you card saying we will have to get together soon. I doubt we will if I am being honest.:)
Well that's obvious and OP, I think you are perfecty justified in feeling sneaped (never heard of that word before). I had the exact same feeling as you when my niece got married and only invited me to the evening do.
I can't be bothered to be all PC here so am just going to be frank, basically my sis married a workshy waste of space and if it weren't for me and my other sisters her kids would have had a shit upbringing. We all bought them nice clothes and took them out etc. I took my niece on a fortnights holiday to Tenerife when she was younger AND bought her a whole new wardrobe for the duration, she also came several short hols with me and my family, she was also a flowergirl at my wedding. She got married a few years ago and I got an evening invitation, I was shocked. I could have accepted it if it was a case of not affording to feed everyone but half her mates had invites to the whole shebang and I felt decidedly 'sneaped'. To top it all, the wedding was on a Thursday and no kids were invited (our childcare options were at the wedding) so I sent a 'thanks but no thanks'. My sis hasn't spoken to me since, she didn't even phone or ask why I couldn't make it, the fact I didn't go to the evening was enough for her to cut off all contact and she didn't even ask why we couldn't make it. Both she and her daughter have short memories that's all I can say!
OP, f**k em, don't go to the evening do, it's an insult!
...and I understand with your reaction. People like them who are takers do indeed have short memories.
...and I understand with your reaction. People like them who are takers do indeed have short memories.
What do you mean by takers? If I do something for someone I don't expect them to owe me for the rest of their lives. I help people because I want to and not because I expect some kind of repayment.
Well that's obvious and OP, I think you are perfecty justified in feeling sneaped (never heard of that word before). I had the exact same feeling as you when my niece got married and only invited me to the evening do.
I can't be bothered to be all PC here so am just going to be frank, basically my sis married a workshy waste of space and if it weren't for me and my other sisters her kids would have had a shit upbringing. We all bought them nice clothes and took them out etc. I took my niece on a fortnights holiday to Tenerife when she was younger AND bought her a whole new wardrobe for the duration, she also came several short hols with me and my family, she was also a flowergirl at my wedding. She got married a few years ago and I got an evening invitation, I was shocked. I could have accepted it if it was a case of not affording to feed everyone but half her mates had invites to the whole shebang and I felt decidedly 'sneaped'. To top it all, the wedding was on a Thursday and no kids were invited (our childcare options were at the wedding) so I sent a 'thanks but no thanks'. My sis hasn't spoken to me since, she didn't even phone or ask why I couldn't make it, the fact I didn't go to the evening was enough for her to cut off all contact and she didn't even ask why we couldn't make it. Both she and her daughter have short memories that's all I can say!
OP, f**k em, don't go to the evening do, it's an insult!
This seems to me a horse of a different colour entirely.
What do you mean by takers? If I do something for someone I don't expect them to owe me for the rest of their lives. I help people because I want to and not because I expect some kind of repayment.
Yes, but it would have been nice to acknowledge her help with at least a proper invitation... it doesn't mean she should have been doing who knows what to pay her aunt back for all the favours.
Come on, maidinscotland has all the rights to be pissed.
People like her niece and sister could show a bit of gratitude.
People like her niece and sister could show a bit of gratitude.
As soon as people feel they should be "grateful", you can kiss the relationship goodbye. People who have good reason to feel grateful eventually (in my experience) hate the continued feeling of being grateful or beholden to others - especially in a situation like MaidInScotland describes. Gratitude somehow morphs into an unpleasant attitude of "they could afford it anyway" or "no skin of their nose to do..." whatever.
You can only ever do things that you feel are right at the time and then forget them. Difficult to do (and I'd have been shocked too, Maid-inS) but it can lead to a feeling of entitlement on the part of the nice person who does all the giving and the benefactors know and resent that. Perhaps the sister deliberately denied MinS a full-day invitation because she resented all that MinS had done for her daughter when she couldn't / didn't.
If I do something for someone I don't expect them to owe me for the rest of their lives. I help people because I want to and not because I expect some kind of repayment.
This seems to me a horse of a different colour entirely.
Yes, you are right - that was a different situation to the OP's. But I'm bored with the OP's situation now so it's nice to have a fresh example of exclusion to ponder.
To be fair, Normandie, lem_ramsay said "could", not "should", as in it would have been nice to have been appreciated. If we all did things we felt were right and then forgot about them, regardless of our loved ones' feelings, life would be pretty crappy for everyone. It's social behaviour to think of another person's feelings when deciding to how behave - not to the extent that Maid's feelings should be considered if she hadn't treated her niece well, but simply that because of all she has done, it should have been natural to extend an invitation to her.
Having said all that, I suspect Maid's sister has something to do with it. Her sister wanted to be able to croon to all and sundry about how well she brought her daughter up, wanted for nothing, all that, yet she'd have had the spectre of Maid in the background, knowing what really went on back then. I very much doubt Maid would have even thought about it. And to be honest, kids don't remember stuff like that - if someone takes them on holiday or buys them nice things, it's their god-given right, so to speak, whoever it was who did it. They need to be taught to be appreciative in the first place (do we still do Thank You notes in this day and age?)
Anyway, back on topic: Wizard's whole wedding rejection thing stems from the info in the previous thread about his non-drinking mate who's edged him out. This wedding issue is just an extension of that. They've stopped inviting him out, and now they've edged him out completely.
Wizard, serious question, honestly.
I know what you are asking, but I'm genuinely intrigued with the word "sneaped."
I KNOW that you mean you feel snubbed, or mildly put out about the non invite,
but is "sneaped" a typo, or is it a colloquialism where you live?
I repeat, I am NOT taking the p**s, just curious.
Wizard, serious question, honestly.
I know what you are asking, but I'm genuinely intrigued with the word "sneaped."
I KNOW that you mean you feel snubbed, or mildly put out about the non invite,
but is "sneaped" a typo, or is it a colloquialism where you live?
I repeat, I am NOT taking the p**s, just curious.
It'a a good word. It's defined in my Chambers Dictionary as:
I meant, when sister and niece had the chance to do a nice gesture, they didn't. It's just something they could have done to show her they appreciate her and think a lot of her. I am only going by what she said by the way... she might have been making them feel bad about all the help she has given them, I don't know.
As for the OP, considering what Milian said, then it really looks like the friend is trying to detach himself so no wonder why OP wasn't invited to the wedding.
I meant, when sister and niece had the chance to do a nice gesture, they didn't. It's just something they could have done to show her they appreciate her and think a lot of her. I am only going by what she said by the way... she might have been making them feel bad about all the help she has given them, I don't know.
As for the OP, considering what Milian said, then it really looks like the friend is trying to detach himself so no wonder why OP wasn't invited to the wedding.
Nope, I gave the help willingly and didn't think twice about it or expect lifelong gratitude, I DID expect to be invited to the full wedding tho, not because of all the help I gave but because I was her aunt and family should be invited before friends imo. My other sister who also did a lot for the kids was only invited to the evening do as well (and she lives down south so was expected to travel to Scotland and find a babysitter for her son all for an evening!).
Nope, I gave the help willingly and didn't think twice about it or expect lifelong gratitude, I DID expect to be invited to the full wedding tho, not because of all the help I gave but because I was her aunt and family should be invited before friends imo. My other sister who also did a lot for the kids was only invited to the evening do as well (and she lives down south so was expected to travel to Scotland and find a babysitter for her son all for an evening!).
What can I say? You can pick your friends but not your family ... so perhaps she doesn't actually like you. I don't like my Aunt because she a nasty controlling woman. She had one child a daughter my cousin ... I feel for her because her mother won't leave her alone. She rings her every day even though she only lives up the road from her. My cousin is trapped and has become a recluse and I blame her controlling mother. What is worse is she is my godmother ... she hasn't been a very good godmother to me .. she sends me birthday cards with " God Bless you from your Aunt Jayne" I throw her cards in the bin where they belong.
To be fair, Normandie, lem_ramsay said "could", not "should", as in it would have been nice to have been appreciated. If we all did things we felt were right and then forgot about them, regardless of our loved ones' feelings, life would be pretty crappy for everyone.
My point obviously wasn't clear in my post - for instance, I was following on from (and agreeing with) Lem's comment, not contradicting it in any way - but even so, I don't understand how your bib relates to my post. Or maybe it doesn't and you too are speaking generally.
Sister and niece "should" have been more appreciative with the wedding invitation - no "could" about it, imo... because could suggests that there is are options whereas should is what it says! In other words, I think MinS was treated crappily and to take the situation as you present it, Maid, you were treated unkindly and unfairly.
Just to be clear, what I tried to convey was that that - far too frequently and perhaps MinS's situation is an example - once people feel they should be grateful to someone, what might start off as gratitude can change into resentment. Perhaps that happened with MinS's sister but if - as MinS has now added - the other sister only received an evening invitation too, there's probably something more going on and probably there is (was) nothing that you can do about it, MinS... even if you felt so inclined.
I'd be relieved, weddings are a bit boring unless it's your own. Night do's are more fun, lot's of booze. Go and have fun and stop being such a mardy arse about it.
It'a a good word. It's defined in my Chambers Dictionary as:
sneap: to nip, pinch; to put down, repress, snub
Thanks 1fab, I googled it after seeing your post and it defined it as chide or rebuke, maybe an old Norse derivation.
Perhaps I should have googled it myself before asking.
When we got married my husbands best man was in a relationship with a girl he left his pregnant wife for (never properly knew his wife as they split just as i met my husband) anyway him and his new partner were a bit on/off but i tried to make the effort so she came on my hen do and was invited to the whole wedding.
She was paraletic before meal had even ended and kept crying during afternoon about how insecure she was that her boyfriend hadnt proposed (he wasnt even divorced yet) and by night time was making a show of herself , i asked her boyfriend (our best man) to make sure she behaved but he was too busy getting pissed so the night ended prematurely when she flipped and punched a male guest!!
I decided not to make a huge deal out of it and just stopped having so much to do with them after.
Fast forward a couple of years and they got married and we had an invite to just their night do (id have quite happily not gone but hubby wanted to) he was a bit put out we only got an evening invite but i just said their wedding they should be able to do what they want.
A couple of days before wedding her partner rang and said someone was ill did we want to take their place but we declined and just went to evening do.
I was happy for them and glad it went well but part of me was pissed off that her wedding went so well after she had ruined mine.
Havnt spoke to either of them since just because shes such a stuck up moody cow id rather rathernot bother.
Whenever my wedding is mentioned everyone remembers state she was in and not much else.
Hubby and best mans friendship has pretty mch fizzled out as she doesnt let him have a social life.
Hes prob in a worse relationship relationship now than he had with his first wife but thats what you get for sleeping around when your wifes at home pregnant.
Comments
Sorry OP, but that just made me LOL.
I am just guessing now
Well that's obvious and OP, I think you are perfecty justified in feeling sneaped (never heard of that word before). I had the exact same feeling as you when my niece got married and only invited me to the evening do.
I can't be bothered to be all PC here so am just going to be frank, basically my sis married a workshy waste of space and if it weren't for me and my other sisters her kids would have had a shit upbringing. We all bought them nice clothes and took them out etc. I took my niece on a fortnights holiday to Tenerife when she was younger AND bought her a whole new wardrobe for the duration, she also came several short hols with me and my family, she was also a flowergirl at my wedding. She got married a few years ago and I got an evening invitation, I was shocked. I could have accepted it if it was a case of not affording to feed everyone but half her mates had invites to the whole shebang and I felt decidedly 'sneaped'. To top it all, the wedding was on a Thursday and no kids were invited (our childcare options were at the wedding) so I sent a 'thanks but no thanks'. My sis hasn't spoken to me since, she didn't even phone or ask why I couldn't make it, the fact I didn't go to the evening was enough for her to cut off all contact and she didn't even ask why we couldn't make it. Both she and her daughter have short memories that's all I can say!
OP, f**k em, don't go to the evening do, it's an insult!
I am not surprised you were upset to only be asked to evening do ,what an insult.why do you think that you were not invited to wedding? Had there been any cooling of the relationship with your nieces parents.it seems very odd you weren't invited.
Families can be an endless source of annoyance.
Why didn't you say all this to them? At least you would have known why you weren't given a day invitation instead.
What do you mean by takers? If I do something for someone I don't expect them to owe me for the rest of their lives. I help people because I want to and not because I expect some kind of repayment.
This seems to me a horse of a different colour entirely.
Eh?
Yes, but it would have been nice to acknowledge her help with at least a proper invitation... it doesn't mean she should have been doing who knows what to pay her aunt back for all the favours.
Come on, maidinscotland has all the rights to be pissed.
People like her niece and sister could show a bit of gratitude.
You can only ever do things that you feel are right at the time and then forget them. Difficult to do (and I'd have been shocked too, Maid-inS) but it can lead to a feeling of entitlement on the part of the nice person who does all the giving and the benefactors know and resent that. Perhaps the sister deliberately denied MinS a full-day invitation because she resented all that MinS had done for her daughter when she couldn't / didn't.
Yes.
Yes, you are right - that was a different situation to the OP's. But I'm bored with the OP's situation now so it's nice to have a fresh example of exclusion to ponder.
Having said all that, I suspect Maid's sister has something to do with it. Her sister wanted to be able to croon to all and sundry about how well she brought her daughter up, wanted for nothing, all that, yet she'd have had the spectre of Maid in the background, knowing what really went on back then. I very much doubt Maid would have even thought about it. And to be honest, kids don't remember stuff like that - if someone takes them on holiday or buys them nice things, it's their god-given right, so to speak, whoever it was who did it. They need to be taught to be appreciative in the first place (do we still do Thank You notes in this day and age?)
Anyway, back on topic: Wizard's whole wedding rejection thing stems from the info in the previous thread about his non-drinking mate who's edged him out. This wedding issue is just an extension of that. They've stopped inviting him out, and now they've edged him out completely.
I know what you are asking, but I'm genuinely intrigued with the word "sneaped."
I KNOW that you mean you feel snubbed, or mildly put out about the non invite,
but is "sneaped" a typo, or is it a colloquialism where you live?
I repeat, I am NOT taking the p**s, just curious.
It'a a good word. It's defined in my Chambers Dictionary as:
sneap: to nip, pinch; to put down, repress, snub
As for the OP, considering what Milian said, then it really looks like the friend is trying to detach himself so no wonder why OP wasn't invited to the wedding.
Nope, I gave the help willingly and didn't think twice about it or expect lifelong gratitude, I DID expect to be invited to the full wedding tho, not because of all the help I gave but because I was her aunt and family should be invited before friends imo. My other sister who also did a lot for the kids was only invited to the evening do as well (and she lives down south so was expected to travel to Scotland and find a babysitter for her son all for an evening!).
What can I say? You can pick your friends but not your family ... so perhaps she doesn't actually like you. I don't like my Aunt because she a nasty controlling woman. She had one child a daughter my cousin ... I feel for her because her mother won't leave her alone. She rings her every day even though she only lives up the road from her. My cousin is trapped and has become a recluse and I blame her controlling mother. What is worse is she is my godmother ... she hasn't been a very good godmother to me .. she sends me birthday cards with " God Bless you from your Aunt Jayne" I throw her cards in the bin where they belong.
Sister and niece "should" have been more appreciative with the wedding invitation - no "could" about it, imo... because could suggests that there is are options whereas should is what it says! In other words, I think MinS was treated crappily and to take the situation as you present it, Maid, you were treated unkindly and unfairly.
Just to be clear, what I tried to convey was that that - far too frequently and perhaps MinS's situation is an example - once people feel they should be grateful to someone, what might start off as gratitude can change into resentment. Perhaps that happened with MinS's sister but if - as MinS has now added - the other sister only received an evening invitation too, there's probably something more going on and probably there is (was) nothing that you can do about it, MinS... even if you felt so inclined.
It's a pretty important question too.
Thanks 1fab, I googled it after seeing your post and it defined it as chide or rebuke, maybe an old Norse derivation.
Perhaps I should have googled it myself before asking.
Getting out of going to a wedding is (IMO) a very good result. :cool:
She was paraletic before meal had even ended and kept crying during afternoon about how insecure she was that her boyfriend hadnt proposed (he wasnt even divorced yet) and by night time was making a show of herself , i asked her boyfriend (our best man) to make sure she behaved but he was too busy getting pissed so the night ended prematurely when she flipped and punched a male guest!!
I decided not to make a huge deal out of it and just stopped having so much to do with them after.
Fast forward a couple of years and they got married and we had an invite to just their night do (id have quite happily not gone but hubby wanted to) he was a bit put out we only got an evening invite but i just said their wedding they should be able to do what they want.
A couple of days before wedding her partner rang and said someone was ill did we want to take their place but we declined and just went to evening do.
I was happy for them and glad it went well but part of me was pissed off that her wedding went so well after she had ruined mine.
Havnt spoke to either of them since just because shes such a stuck up moody cow id rather rathernot bother.
Whenever my wedding is mentioned everyone remembers state she was in and not much else.
Hubby and best mans friendship has pretty mch fizzled out as she doesnt let him have a social life.
Hes prob in a worse relationship relationship now than he had with his first wife but thats what you get for sleeping around when your wifes at home pregnant.