Pretty much this. Even in a relationship, people don't owe each other sex but if he's highly sexed and she's not and it's such a big deal to them, they'd be better off without.
I think the biggest problem is that it's natural for people to try to impress each other at the start of relationships.
If a guy who might normally be found wearing t-shirts while parked in front of the telly, eating pizza and watching sports decides to dress up like James Bond every time he goes out with his new girlfriend, buys her flowers every day and gives her foot-rubs after work then, when he reverts to type, she's going to be thinking "WTF happened?"
Equally though, if a woman has a certain sex-drive but she elects to have sex frequently with a new partner then, when she reverts to type, I think it's fair to say that the guy might be left thinking "WTF?" as well.
Seems like that's probably what's happened here.
Funny thing is, I think the people suggesting that you should automatically bin any sub-optimal relationship are being rather naive.
Do these people think life is supposed to be like a cross between Cinderella and 9 1/2 Weeks?
I fear those people are destined to be disappointed.
him for creating the spreadsheet rather than trying to talk it through
her for throwing it all over the interweb rather than trying to talk it through.
He seemed to be asking for sex every day... that in itself could be a problem... it becomes 'nagging' and the woman may just have thought 'here we go again' and dug her heels in. The best thing would be to talk properly of course; but in the absence of that, try doing something other than asking on a daily basis as if you were saying 'have you done the washing up'. Maybe leave it a few days... go out on a 'date' or compliment her (but don't ask for sex that night) ... try and break the cycle.
it's pretty much inevitable. Over time you learn to adjust, and i certainly don't think it is worth throwing away a committed and loving relationship over it.
I totally agree with your remarks here.
Over time one partner seems to go off sex for one reason or another, usually the woman but not always.
That woman made excuses in my opinion, she said all the stuff I used to say to my ex when he wanted it.
I did not want sex with him anymore after a period of time as he revolted me in lots of ways!
In the end we split.
Thing is a lot of couples are very happy and very much on love but for one reason or the other the sex just stops, getting it back on track is easier said than done.
Some just settle for that lack of sex and intimacy as they do not want to break up the happy home and they seek what they need elsewhere.
I now have no sex within my marriage due to my husband not being able to rise to the occasion anymore.
We still love each other and no way would I leave him as he can not have sex with me.
it's pretty much inevitable. Over time you learn to adjust, and i certainly don't think it is worth throwing away a committed and loving relationship over it.
No it's not... It might happen in some relationships but that definitely doesn't make it inevitable.
I do enjoy a good spreadsheet, and who doesn't love a sexy graph or a snazzy pie chart right, but this one surely seems rather counter productive to him getting a swift upturn on either his his y axis...
Her posting it, is the far more foolish thing it has to be said- at least she could have stuck her grievances into a power point or something before she did it.
I wouldn't be happy with that amount of times in a 7 week period and I am a woman. As much as that person might be annoyed to constantly be asked and might not be feeling secure and confident and all that, by constantly turning someone down will leave that person feeling insecure and unwanted and less confident in themselves and also in the love that you have for them.
For me it's quite simple, He tried (in an admittedly clumsy way) to address what he saw as a problem in their relationship. She chose to respond by exposing their problems to all and sundry all over the internet with the apparent aim of getting their entire social circle (and a sizeable chunk of the rest of us) to point and laugh at her partner.
Game over,
Hopefully the less sexually demanding life of mad cat ladyhood is more to her taste because somehow I think attracting a proper partner just got a fair bit more complicated for her now.
He seemed to be asking for sex every day... that in itself could be a problem... it becomes 'nagging' and the woman may just have thought 'here we go again' and dug her heels in. The best thing would be to talk properly of course; but in the absence of that, try doing something other than asking on a daily basis as if you were saying 'have you done the washing up'. Maybe leave it a few days... go out on a 'date' or compliment her (but don't ask for sex that night) ... try and break the cycle.
Actually, that's a fair point.
In many other marriages it wouldn't even have been much of an issue, as the guy might have also been tired at bedtime, and wanted to sleep. Or just not been that bothered about having sex.
I reckon there was just a mismatch of sexual desire here. Plus maybe other incompatibilities.
Indeed. But this presumably leaves him free to have sex with someone else. Doesn't it?
No of course it doesn't. Its not like she didn't have sex with him at all in the month. Anyway, that's why God invented the hand! :-)
My first thought when i read this was what kind of person puts that on the internet? Not have a proper conversation with my husband about it... no i'll just let everyone else have an opinion on our sex life (or lack of )
It made me laugh the bit where on one of the days he put down that her excuse for refusing was that she was still tender from the night before. YeAh right!:D
Women like to have sex when they feel loved and secure.
I wouldn't like to sleep with someone who badgers me for sex while I'm watching TV then makes a spreadsheet about it and emails it to me then cuts contact.
He doesn't sound particularly understanding of a woman's needs.
He doesn't, and it sounds as if their problems are a lot deeper than how often they have sex.
A woman who works all day, goes to the gym after work, then scurries home to cook dinner for two is rarely going to welcome a demand for sex just as she collapses in front of her favourite tv programme. She will be utterly exhausted, and desperate for a bit of time to do what she wants without interruption.
How much better his chances would have been if he had gently talked her out of going to the gym every day with the assurance that she was already gorgeous, and if he had greeted her when she had been to the gym with a nice dinner he had shopped for and cooked. Men sometimes take a very, very long time to learn that a bunch of flowers is worth about 100th as much as simply taking the time and trouble to shoulder the duller chores in the house without complaint, martyrdom or fuss. The unfortunate wife does not have the confidence to say, "my life is unbearably exhausting, and sex just feels like my 1000th chore of the day". But that is what she feels.
Unless they can sort out the feverish, exhausting whirlwind she lives in I should think their sex life is doomed.
I'm glad you took time to reply with a constructive answer, rather than bashing him for his method of delivery.
I'd be single if my wife would only have sex with me 3 times in 7 weeks I can tell you that.
How very unlucky for your wife if she ever has a baby. Breastfeeding mothers not only tend to find sex unattractive (their hormones are all directed at the baby, and not at feeling sexy) but often find it too painful to endure. Parenthood really is for grown-ups, who can accept that the baby comes first for a few months, and that dad has to deal with it without turning into a hormonal 13 year old. There is a reason why in many societies new fathers sleep in the men's quarters of the village for a few months.
Well you were off the mark by quite some distance, so thought I'd point that out to you.
What does marriage entitle you to then? Please enlighten me.
Hopefully, the mutual support and comfort of someone you really love. Failing that, someone to take the chill off the bed on cold nights. Failing that, a share of their pension and estate.
It made me laugh the bit where on one of the days he put down that her excuse for refusing was that she was still tender from the night before. YeAh right!:D
I laughed at this bit too.
Though if it is the case what on earth is he doing to her????????
No of course it doesn't. Its not like she didn't have sex with him at all in the month. Anyway, that's why God invented the hand! :-)
My first thought when i read this was what kind of person puts that on the internet? Not have a proper conversation with my husband about it... no i'll just let everyone else have an opinion on our sex life (or lack of )
It was silly & immature of her to put it on the internet... However, it does say that after he emailed it to her he then cut off contact with her so she couldn't have a conversation with him about it.
It made me laugh the bit where on one of the days he put down that her excuse for refusing was that she was still tender from the night before. YeAh right!:D
If the sex the night before had been because she wanted to shut him up rather than because she wanted sex, then she may not have been properly lubricated and so there would possibly be some soreness/tenderness the next day.
It was silly & immature of her to put it on the internet... However, it does say that after he emailed it to her he then cut off contact with her so she couldn't have a conversation with him about it.
Ridiculous behaviour all round really.
If the sex the night before had been because she wanted to shut him up rather than because she wanted sex, then she may not have been properly lubricated and so there would possibly be some soreness/tenderness the next day.
It was silly & immature of her to put it on the internet... However, it does say that after he emailed it to her he then cut off contact with her so she couldn't have a conversation with him about it.
Ridiculous behaviour all round really.
yeah because my first reaction would be 'Oh i can't get hold of my husband... i know, i will share it with everyone, just to make him look stupid'.
I do think that the guy sounds like a tool, but even so, putting it on the internet makes her look like an idiot too!
When i saw a bit of the spreadsheet my first thought was that he was more interested in not having sex so he could do the spreadsheet.
Its clear where hes going wrong, hes asking at the wrong time and probably in the wrong manner.
He was asking daily when he knew she would say no. He would ask when she was watching tv or had just got in from the gym so surely he knew after the first time the answer would be no?
Eta my oh was doing a spreadsheet on his tablet the other day. When i saw this thread title i did wonder if it was him
He doesn't, and it sounds as if their problems are a lot deeper than how often they have sex.
A woman who works all day, goes to the gym after work, then scurries home to cook dinner for two is rarely going to welcome a demand for sex just as she collapses in front of her favourite tv programme. She will be utterly exhausted, and desperate for a bit of time to do what she wants without interruption....
I didn't quote your whole post because of the length but I agree with everything. Some of the replies in this thread have been so depressing and I'm glad not everyone out there is like some of the people who have posted
No it's not... It might happen in some relationships but that definitely doesn't make it inevitable.
well sex drive generally does decrease as you get older so it is indeed inevitable that the frequency will decrease eventually. Quite depressing really
Comments
I agree, pressuring someone into sex can never be a good thing.
I think the biggest problem is that it's natural for people to try to impress each other at the start of relationships.
If a guy who might normally be found wearing t-shirts while parked in front of the telly, eating pizza and watching sports decides to dress up like James Bond every time he goes out with his new girlfriend, buys her flowers every day and gives her foot-rubs after work then, when he reverts to type, she's going to be thinking "WTF happened?"
Equally though, if a woman has a certain sex-drive but she elects to have sex frequently with a new partner then, when she reverts to type, I think it's fair to say that the guy might be left thinking "WTF?" as well.
Seems like that's probably what's happened here.
Funny thing is, I think the people suggesting that you should automatically bin any sub-optimal relationship are being rather naive.
Do these people think life is supposed to be like a cross between Cinderella and 9 1/2 Weeks?
I fear those people are destined to be disappointed.
him for creating the spreadsheet rather than trying to talk it through
her for throwing it all over the interweb rather than trying to talk it through.
I totally agree with your remarks here.
Over time one partner seems to go off sex for one reason or another, usually the woman but not always.
That woman made excuses in my opinion, she said all the stuff I used to say to my ex when he wanted it.
I did not want sex with him anymore after a period of time as he revolted me in lots of ways!
In the end we split.
Thing is a lot of couples are very happy and very much on love but for one reason or the other the sex just stops, getting it back on track is easier said than done.
Some just settle for that lack of sex and intimacy as they do not want to break up the happy home and they seek what they need elsewhere.
I now have no sex within my marriage due to my husband not being able to rise to the occasion anymore.
We still love each other and no way would I leave him as he can not have sex with me.
No it's not... It might happen in some relationships but that definitely doesn't make it inevitable.
They aren't absurd
As has been said for some females the time has to be right and she is clearly one of them that time has to be right for
Her posting it, is the far more foolish thing it has to be said- at least she could have stuck her grievances into a power point or something before she did it.
Some people.
Then she should say that. Don't invent absurd excuses.
He should know his own wife well enough after that long together!
Some of her reason say that the time isn't right
Game over,
Hopefully the less sexually demanding life of mad cat ladyhood is more to her taste because somehow I think attracting a proper partner just got a fair bit more complicated for her now.
A marriage certificate isn't a shagging permit.
Maybe he just couldn't be bothered with foreplay.
Indeed. But this presumably leaves him free to have sex with someone else. Doesn't it?
Actually, that's a fair point.
In many other marriages it wouldn't even have been much of an issue, as the guy might have also been tired at bedtime, and wanted to sleep. Or just not been that bothered about having sex.
I reckon there was just a mismatch of sexual desire here. Plus maybe other incompatibilities.
No of course it doesn't. Its not like she didn't have sex with him at all in the month. Anyway, that's why God invented the hand! :-)
My first thought when i read this was what kind of person puts that on the internet? Not have a proper conversation with my husband about it... no i'll just let everyone else have an opinion on our sex life (or lack of
A woman who works all day, goes to the gym after work, then scurries home to cook dinner for two is rarely going to welcome a demand for sex just as she collapses in front of her favourite tv programme. She will be utterly exhausted, and desperate for a bit of time to do what she wants without interruption.
How much better his chances would have been if he had gently talked her out of going to the gym every day with the assurance that she was already gorgeous, and if he had greeted her when she had been to the gym with a nice dinner he had shopped for and cooked. Men sometimes take a very, very long time to learn that a bunch of flowers is worth about 100th as much as simply taking the time and trouble to shoulder the duller chores in the house without complaint, martyrdom or fuss. The unfortunate wife does not have the confidence to say, "my life is unbearably exhausting, and sex just feels like my 1000th chore of the day". But that is what she feels.
Unless they can sort out the feverish, exhausting whirlwind she lives in I should think their sex life is doomed. How very unlucky for your wife if she ever has a baby. Breastfeeding mothers not only tend to find sex unattractive (their hormones are all directed at the baby, and not at feeling sexy) but often find it too painful to endure. Parenthood really is for grown-ups, who can accept that the baby comes first for a few months, and that dad has to deal with it without turning into a hormonal 13 year old. There is a reason why in many societies new fathers sleep in the men's quarters of the village for a few months.
Hopefully, the mutual support and comfort of someone you really love. Failing that, someone to take the chill off the bed on cold nights. Failing that, a share of their pension and estate.
I laughed at this bit too.
Though if it is the case what on earth is he doing to her????????
It was silly & immature of her to put it on the internet... However, it does say that after he emailed it to her he then cut off contact with her so she couldn't have a conversation with him about it.
Ridiculous behaviour all round really.
If the sex the night before had been because she wanted to shut him up rather than because she wanted sex, then she may not have been properly lubricated and so there would possibly be some soreness/tenderness the next day.
Assuming all his entries ooh err were true, yes
yeah because my first reaction would be 'Oh i can't get hold of my husband... i know, i will share it with everyone, just to make him look stupid'.
I do think that the guy sounds like a tool, but even so, putting it on the internet makes her look like an idiot too!
Its clear where hes going wrong, hes asking at the wrong time and probably in the wrong manner.
He was asking daily when he knew she would say no. He would ask when she was watching tv or had just got in from the gym so surely he knew after the first time the answer would be no?
Eta my oh was doing a spreadsheet on his tablet the other day. When i saw this thread title i did wonder if it was him
I didn't quote your whole post because of the length but I agree with everything. Some of the replies in this thread have been so depressing and I'm glad not everyone out there is like some of the people who have posted
well sex drive generally does decrease as you get older so it is indeed inevitable that the frequency will decrease eventually. Quite depressing really