See what comes of not talking honestly with people. Why can't people just say what they mean?
Because they don't want to hurt people and actually care enough for someone else to want to save their feelings. It can get you into muddles like the OP has but it's not something to be sneered at imo.
If they aren't in the best of health then something along the lines of 'we wouldn't want to intrude. You both do so much for us that you deserve a good break to yourselves. We'll be fine and come and see you for a little while one day while we're there. But I want you to go and enjoy YOURSELVES. We will be fine and in fact time to just the three of us would be good'.
Thanks, I may try something along these lines. Perhaps turn the tablkes and act like we are worried about interfering in their holiday and so are trying to stay out of their way a bit...
Because they don't want to hurt people and actually care enough for someone else to want to save their feelings. It can get you into muddles like the OP has but it's not something to be sneered at imo.
Who's sneering? I'd rather speak to my parents honestly than start concocting a load of lies like you are suggesting, it will be exhausting to keep up excuses etc during a holiday.
i would say, maybe compremise, say you have 3 nights at disney land in paris with your parents, and fromt here you of to a beach resort, just you and your kids ...no parents
Thanks, I may try something along these lines. Perhaps turn the tablkes and act like we are worried about interfering in their holiday and so are trying to stay out of their way a bit...
That's it. No need to do it in a way that would be hurtful as some would do, but I'm sure you'll find a nice way to do it.
Because they don't want to hurt people and actually care enough for someone else to want to save their feelings. It can get you into muddles like the OP has but it's not something to be sneered at imo.
Thanks. I know I could just to totally honest, but the idea of hurting them is not something I can do.
Yeah, but I think my parents wanted a holiday and thought this way they could have one without being totally alone somewhere.
Ah , I see what you mean . I think you have to meet everyone half way on this holiday .But make sure the next one you plan you try to let them see your reasons .
Its too late now to push them away , so you need to have days alone and one or two with them .And plans excursions that are too strenous for them .
I can really feel your predicament, OP, as our in-laws have done the same to us. Or, rather, I can feel your husband's predicament....
The only thing to do is to make it clear to your husband that you're not thrilled about it either, but it really is what it is. He has to step back and just imagine what it would be like for you to have to turn round and ask your parents to go somewhere else, or leave you alone. They're not doing it to be awkward, or to try and spoil his holiday but in their mind they are doing it to be helpful.
Chances are, if he wasn't upset about them being there, he'd think a bit straighter and realise that the offer of taking the kids for a night or two is actually quite good and nice for you to have a night for just the two of you.
I know this is all easy for me to say, as I've lived it and come out the other side, but you just have to try and make the most of it. A lot of the problems will come about from not communicating exactly what you want on the days and everyone just dribbling about indecisively.
Arrange to meet up some evenings. On other evenings say that you are going out on some day trip and probably going to have your evening meal whilst you are out (this doesn't need to be true, as you are not in the same place).
I've been through the whole 'sit about sulking about it' phase, and it doesn't make the holiday any better. Though he may think it, he doesn't really want you to have to create some big upst for your parents, so it really is a case of sticking on a happy face and getting on with it...
While I can't deny that your parents have acted intrusively, I think if your husband is having such a hard time accepting they will be close by and naturally wanting to spend time with you all, he needs to be the ones to tell them.
It isn't as if you invited them along after all. Why should the onus be on you to sort this one out?
Best to keep holiday destinations secret as this thing happens.
I went on holiday in 2010 with my principal family members and we kept seeing them everywhere, so it was difficult as you couldn't really escape. We did have a lot of fun.
Agreed.
We are taking my mum on holiday in September. She hasn't had as much as a night away from home in the past 10 years as she was caring for my dad (who died earlier this year).
We haven't yet told my gran that we are going as we don't want her to come - we just want it to be us. We don't even know if she would want to come, possibly not but we don't want to have to make excuses in case she did and potentially upset her. My mum and her have a love/hate relationship (typical inlaws) so we don't want the sniping.
We love her to bits but we just want a quiet time with me, my sister and our mum. Nothing wrong with that.
Very admirable you are thinking of their feelings so much when it sounds like they ignored any possible objection from you by presenting it to you as a done deal rather then ask you before booking.
I think you are between a rock and a hard place and whatever you do someone will be hurt
We've had similar things happen in the past, I'm afraid what's done is done now and you'll have to ride it out. Focus now on damage limitation to your holiday.
If you do decide to say something to them I'd strongly recommend against singling out it's your husband that is objecting to them going, it's 'both' of you. Otherwise it'll likely foster resentment from them towards him, I've fallen into that trap myself and blamed the OH for not wanting to do things with the family, it's very hard to come back from it if they get offended, they won't forget it even if everything seems all good. Don't take the easy route of blaming him, trust me I've learned that the hard way. I can see where he's coming from as I often get taken away from trips with my OH and her parents, it does get a bit much at times and it's even more annoying when you have no control over it.
I suspect they'd say they booked it thinking they'd be helping you, no matter how diplomatically you explain things you'll be the ones looking bad, they possibly got carried away after enjoying the last family trip and let their excitment get the better of them. Don't let medical conditions get in the way, you'll end up not living your life and they won't want you constantly worrying about them. In future just be clear when you book a holiday that you're looking forward to it just being the three of you, it can be said without it coming across nasty.
Honesty is the best - and only - policy IMHO (but not being brutally frank of course) and if it were me I'd be saying 'thanks Mum and Dad for the offer of babysitting etc but as you know Mr Toggler works very long hours and doesn't see baby Toggler much, or me come to that, so WE had planned a quiet holiday with just the three of us. Once we get there we can arrange to meet up with you on a couple of days......'
Next year book up for the three of you, say nothing at all to anyone until a couple of weeks before you go, then tell them it is a different resort for fear of a laast minute cancellation coming up.
I always recall a story in my family. Every year one aunt and uncle rented a caravan for my cousin, her husband and kids for a fortnight for all of them because my cousin, husband and kids 'really love that caravan holiday, we're not keen but we only do it for them'. My cousin said the reverse thing that they didn't like it and only went for the parents sake. So everyone had a holiday they dreaded and hated every year for a decade when they could have stopped it by honesty.
I think it's wonderful you're being sensitive over this OP, but I really think you ought to come out strongly on your husband's side here. If you were to go to meet them alone, you could explain that he doesn't get a whole lot of bonding time with his child, or with your unit of just the three of you, and he would love a week where he could have that uncompromised. I'm sure they wouldn't grudge him this unique time, especially if they know the nature of the 'snub'.
One other thing I might suggest is that perhaps your husband may like some one-on-one time with the kid, so you could go to see your parents and let him have that time? If your husband doesn't often get time exclusively with your child and you do this might be something that appeals to him, that he might not like to ask you ('Hi dear, mind leaving me alone with our child? Thanks...'). Then you can have one-on-one quality time with your parents too. I'd ask you husbnd about this first though, because if he's had a big family holiday already this year, it might be fair to let him 'call the shots' this time.
Also I might add that if you lie and say you didn't want to bother them, then they will most likely either a) know you're lying and be hurt by it, where I don't think they would be by your husband's genuine reasons, or b) say it's no trouble at all, and you will either have to come clean or face a holiday of compromise and possible discontent from your husband.
Op where are you going? There might be a way you can meet up with your parents without it being overbearing.
I think in the future it might be an idea to either have a surprise holiday, whereby you tell your parents a few days in advance that your husbands suprised you with a trip away. That way they wont be offended that you didnt give them notice. I think this might be relevant as if your parents enjoy this holiday they might try it again next year. I know this because in the past my grandparents have suggested my parents holiday near to them so they can pop in a few days and visit. If this holiday goes well your parents might try and book close to you each time so that youre not together 24/7 and they will think you have space when in reality you will go throught this again.
You are in a difficult situation, OP but i do think you should be with your husband 100% on this as others have said. If you've recently spent two weeks holiday with your parents there is really no need to feel guilty, its not like you've never been away with them. I think you have to be honest and say that both of you want a holiday with just the three of you, don't blame it all on your husband or it could be brought up again and used against him. Put yourself in your husbands shoes and imagine how you would feel if it were his parents who had done this. Its not really fair of your parents to do this to you without even asking and i think you need to be firm with them (and kind obviously but it sounds like you are very kind anyway ) Good luck with this, lets us know what happens.
Next time keep all holiday destinations absolutely confidentlial until the day you leave.
Sounds ideal but if the parents enjoy this holiday they may question if the op books another holiday without telling them. They might be a bit annoyed as to why she didnt tell them she was going away.
Sounds ideal but if the parents enjoy this holiday they may question if the op books another holiday without telling them. They might be a bit annoyed as to why she didnt tell them she was going away.
It did occur to me that their health was part of the reason they have done this. If something happens to one of them then they know we are nearby to help out. It is out of character for them to do this, they are normally very good!
Comments
Because they don't want to hurt people and actually care enough for someone else to want to save their feelings. It can get you into muddles like the OP has but it's not something to be sneered at imo.
Thanks, I may try something along these lines. Perhaps turn the tablkes and act like we are worried about interfering in their holiday and so are trying to stay out of their way a bit...
Who's sneering? I'd rather speak to my parents honestly than start concocting a load of lies like you are suggesting, it will be exhausting to keep up excuses etc during a holiday.
Yeah, but I think my parents wanted a holiday and thought this way they could have one without being totally alone somewhere.
Thanks. I know I could just to totally honest, but the idea of hurting them is not something I can do.
No, not you. One or two of the posts would seem to be veering that way.....
Ah , I see what you mean . I think you have to meet everyone half way on this holiday .But make sure the next one you plan you try to let them see your reasons .
Its too late now to push them away , so you need to have days alone and one or two with them .And plans excursions that are too strenous for them .
The only thing to do is to make it clear to your husband that you're not thrilled about it either, but it really is what it is. He has to step back and just imagine what it would be like for you to have to turn round and ask your parents to go somewhere else, or leave you alone. They're not doing it to be awkward, or to try and spoil his holiday but in their mind they are doing it to be helpful.
Chances are, if he wasn't upset about them being there, he'd think a bit straighter and realise that the offer of taking the kids for a night or two is actually quite good and nice for you to have a night for just the two of you.
I know this is all easy for me to say, as I've lived it and come out the other side, but you just have to try and make the most of it. A lot of the problems will come about from not communicating exactly what you want on the days and everyone just dribbling about indecisively.
Arrange to meet up some evenings. On other evenings say that you are going out on some day trip and probably going to have your evening meal whilst you are out (this doesn't need to be true, as you are not in the same place).
I've been through the whole 'sit about sulking about it' phase, and it doesn't make the holiday any better. Though he may think it, he doesn't really want you to have to create some big upst for your parents, so it really is a case of sticking on a happy face and getting on with it...
It isn't as if you invited them along after all. Why should the onus be on you to sort this one out?
Agreed.
We are taking my mum on holiday in September. She hasn't had as much as a night away from home in the past 10 years as she was caring for my dad (who died earlier this year).
We haven't yet told my gran that we are going as we don't want her to come - we just want it to be us. We don't even know if she would want to come, possibly not but we don't want to have to make excuses in case she did and potentially upset her. My mum and her have a love/hate relationship (typical inlaws) so we don't want the sniping.
We love her to bits but we just want a quiet time with me, my sister and our mum. Nothing wrong with that.
I think you are between a rock and a hard place and whatever you do someone will be hurt
If you do decide to say something to them I'd strongly recommend against singling out it's your husband that is objecting to them going, it's 'both' of you. Otherwise it'll likely foster resentment from them towards him, I've fallen into that trap myself and blamed the OH for not wanting to do things with the family, it's very hard to come back from it if they get offended, they won't forget it even if everything seems all good. Don't take the easy route of blaming him, trust me I've learned that the hard way. I can see where he's coming from as I often get taken away from trips with my OH and her parents, it does get a bit much at times and it's even more annoying when you have no control over it.
I suspect they'd say they booked it thinking they'd be helping you, no matter how diplomatically you explain things you'll be the ones looking bad, they possibly got carried away after enjoying the last family trip and let their excitment get the better of them. Don't let medical conditions get in the way, you'll end up not living your life and they won't want you constantly worrying about them. In future just be clear when you book a holiday that you're looking forward to it just being the three of you, it can be said without it coming across nasty.
All the best
Next year book up for the three of you, say nothing at all to anyone until a couple of weeks before you go, then tell them it is a different resort for fear of a laast minute cancellation coming up.
I always recall a story in my family. Every year one aunt and uncle rented a caravan for my cousin, her husband and kids for a fortnight for all of them because my cousin, husband and kids 'really love that caravan holiday, we're not keen but we only do it for them'. My cousin said the reverse thing that they didn't like it and only went for the parents sake. So everyone had a holiday they dreaded and hated every year for a decade when they could have stopped it by honesty.
One other thing I might suggest is that perhaps your husband may like some one-on-one time with the kid, so you could go to see your parents and let him have that time? If your husband doesn't often get time exclusively with your child and you do this might be something that appeals to him, that he might not like to ask you ('Hi dear, mind leaving me alone with our child? Thanks...'). Then you can have one-on-one quality time with your parents too. I'd ask you husbnd about this first though, because if he's had a big family holiday already this year, it might be fair to let him 'call the shots' this time.
I think in the future it might be an idea to either have a surprise holiday, whereby you tell your parents a few days in advance that your husbands suprised you with a trip away. That way they wont be offended that you didnt give them notice. I think this might be relevant as if your parents enjoy this holiday they might try it again next year. I know this because in the past my grandparents have suggested my parents holiday near to them so they can pop in a few days and visit. If this holiday goes well your parents might try and book close to you each time so that youre not together 24/7 and they will think you have space when in reality you will go throught this again.
Next time keep all holiday destinations absolutely confidentlial until the day you leave.
Sounds ideal but if the parents enjoy this holiday they may question if the op books another holiday without telling them. They might be a bit annoyed as to why she didnt tell them she was going away.
Yes. It's known as taking the hint.
Do they live near you?
yeah, two minutes away.