I went away to Devon for the weekend to a friends wedding. They asked for donations to Cancer research instead of gifts as the brides mum has breast cancer. My friend who I shared the trip with and I both put £50 in our cards to give at the reception. When we filed into the reception there were three white pillar boxes with bows on a table set to one side and labelled £50, £100, and £100+.
I found it really uncomfortable and felt like I was being cheap having to put my card in the £50 slot in front of everyone and so did my friend. We had already paid out to travel to the wedding and book a hotel and buy outfits. I know that was our choice and we didn't have to but I still felt a bit mean. Later on when everyone had a few drinks others started remarking on it saying what I was feeling as well. The bride had come over to say hello and heard some of the comments (I wasn't saying anything at the time and didn't comment at all just thought in my head I agreed with them) and gave us all dirty looks and stormed off. I felt terrible and tried to speak to her even though she hadn't heard me say anything but she just brushed me off.
Would you think that was acceptable to put money markers on gift post boxes? I know the people speaking didn't mean to ruin her day but all of us sat on that table (12) have had an email asking where she can return our money to if we're not happy donating. I am sorry she feels her day was ruined over this but I think it's over the top and she shouldn't have put the markers on, I wondered what others thoughts are?
They should have just had the one donation box with no money markers on at all. Some people think everybody is as wealthy as them and have loads of spare cash floating around, but some of us don't.
And for all you know the wedding couple might have kept the donated cash for themselves anyway.
Personally, I probably wouldn't have turned up in the first place and just sent a card only. Sorry can't attend because (insert valid reason). A true friend would understand.
This friend of yours doesn't seem to be a particularly nice person. My impression.
And in my case, once you've been to a proper Indian wedding like I have, you are not really bothered about going to a bog standard traditional English wedding. It's like comparing chalk and cheese.
That is really strange and I've no idea why you'd do it. Surely people have already put the money in the card so it's not like they'd open the card, put more in and re-seal it. All the money is going to one place so it doesn't need segregating, just very strange.
I'd reply back just thanking her for the day, say keep the donation and that it's nothing personal but you didn't see the need for labelled boxes and that it had the potential to make people feel uncomfortable if they were putting money in the lowest box or if they couldn't afford £50.
Wow...I'm a wedding coordinator and have never seen anything like that before! How crude! True charity means she should have been happy with whatever donation.
I would have to reply to her email. In her head you have moaned about donating to charity....charity I say!! I would just reply to her directly saying something like.
"I'm really disappointed that you have had to email asking if we want the money back. I was happy to donate to such a wonderful charity and will not require it back. I have to say though on the day I was very uncomfortable with boxes stating how much money was being donated on the side. I donated £50 which I felt was appropriate and was within my budget for gifts but I left the wedding feeling very embarrassed like I hadn't donated enough in your eyes. Hopefully with hindsight quantifying the amount wasn't a good idea. All being said I hope you raised a good amount, do let me know the final total!"
You cannot ignore this as you're the bad guy in her eyes (I bet she's telling others too) as she didn't hear all your talking about subject.
If I was the mother of the bride I would have felt extremely awkward watching guests post envelopes in aid of me.
Personally I would have insisted that my daughter enjoys her wedding day and didn't make a fuss as it is her day after all, I can understand why she asked for charitable donations but I would never let any of my children do this.
Yes one persons word who was actually there, you weren't.
Also if you might want to read threads properly before jumping in trying to guilt trip people and essentially calling them liars, as has been confirmed by the OP the mother isn't dying.
With respect, the OP would not know this. Sometimes people who have an incurable diagnosis don't even share the info with their nearest and dearest, let alone Table 12 at their daughter's wedding.
No excuse for the boxes - if I was the mother, I would want my illness put aside for the day. It should have been a day of pure joy for the mother.
They should have just had the one donation box with no money markers on at all. Some people think everybody is as wealthy as them and have loads of spare cash floating around, but some of us don't.
And for all you know the wedding couple might have kept the donated cash for themselves anyway.
Personally, I probably wouldn't have turned up in the first place and just sent a card only. Sorry can't attend because (insert valid reason). A true friend would understand.
This friend of yours doesn't seem to be a particularly nice person. My impression.
And in my case, once you've been to a proper Indian wedding like I have, you are not really bothered about going to a bog standard traditional English wedding. It's like comparing chalk and cheese.
Is braying about your experiences really helpful in this instance?
I went away to Devon for the weekend to a friends wedding. They asked for donations to Cancer research instead of gifts as the brides mum has breast cancer. My friend who I shared the trip with and I both put £50 in our cards to give at the reception. When we filed into the reception there were three white pillar boxes with bows on a table set to one side and labelled £50, £100, and £100+.
I found it really uncomfortable and felt like I was being cheap having to put my card in the £50 slot in front of everyone and so did my friend. We had already paid out to travel to the wedding and book a hotel and buy outfits. I know that was our choice and we didn't have to but I still felt a bit mean. Later on when everyone had a few drinks others started remarking on it saying what I was feeling as well. The bride had come over to say hello and heard some of the comments (I wasn't saying anything at the time and didn't comment at all just thought in my head I agreed with them) and gave us all dirty looks and stormed off. I felt terrible and tried to speak to her even though she hadn't heard me say anything but she just brushed me off.
Would you think that was acceptable to put money markers on gift post boxes? I know the people speaking didn't mean to ruin her day but all of us sat on that table (12) have had an email asking where she can return our money to if we're not happy donating. I am sorry she feels her day was ruined over this but I think it's over the top and she shouldn't have put the markers on, I wondered what others thoughts are?
To be honest, I don't know what I would have done if that had happened to me, though I know what I would have liked to have done! And that is, sod them, and not put anything in the boxes at all!
I've never ever heard of anyone doing this, especially to friends!
Yes, it's very nice for this couple to forgoe their wedding presents, so they can give to charity, and the bride is obviously concerned for her mother, but what has that got to do with the hundred or so wedding guests that they invited?
Also, your friend could be reminded that donating to charity is simply that........a donation, regardless of the amount.
And I would say it actually is very bad etiquette on her part, to even talk about the amount of money that her guests are giving her, not the other way round!
I'd like to ask her, why on earth is it important to know who put in a 100 pounds and who put in 50 pounds? At the end of the day, what difference will it make, it's not as if they'll find the cure for cancer within those three boxes!
I even get mad if I were to be given a list of the wedding presents that the couple want to be given.......talk about being ungrateful!
I think in Europe, it's mostly money that people give, never normally presents, though the money is always in a sealed envelope and it would be considered very bad form for the bride to open it in public and start counting it....
If this really happened, then it's proof, if any were needed, that money can't buy class.
What do you mean 'if'? People are odd, they do odd things. The bride's behaviour, however odd it is, is not as odd as claiming Minnie made the whole story up!
With respect, the OP would not know this. Sometimes people who have an incurable diagnosis don't even share the info with their nearest and dearest, let alone Table 12 at their daughter's wedding.
No excuse for the boxes - if I was the mother, I would want my illness put aside for the day. It should have been a day of pure joy for the mother.
For all we know she could be keeping people up to date about every detail, still doesn't stand up as an excuse for behaving like a ****. If it wasn't the bride who made the boxes then she should have changed them not taken a tantrum when guests questioned it.
And in my case, once you've been to a proper Indian wedding like I have, you are not really bothered about going to a bog standard traditional English wedding. It's like comparing chalk and cheese.
For all we know she could be keeping people up to date about every detail, still doesn't stand up as an excuse for behaving like a ****. If it wasn't the bride who made the boxes then she should have changed them not taken a tantrum when guests questioned it.
No I agree.
Weddings can be funny things. The preparation, the detail, is often organised to the nth degree, so I can see how the boxes thing happened - just over-organisation and interference. Some weddings are so, so far from relaxed affairs it is unreal. No couple getting married want their day to be over-formal and starchy, but many end up like that due to getting caught up in triviality and stressing about minutiae. I think this was likely the case here - a simple box for donations would have seemed too easy - got to fuss with it and make it more 'perfect'.
With respect a couple of things I've read catching up this morning. ~ I've never said the mother is or is not dying so why people are saying I've said both I have no idea. I said she is receiving treatment for breast cancer. The bride didn't suggest at any time the money was for her mother but was for the charity itself. We weren't at table 12, there were 12 of us on a table but regardless it would have been crass for us to approach the mother about it or even begin to ask or wonder how she felt. Lastly I'm not a liar, a troll or a fantasist, I don't come on DS and make ridiculous threads on an almost daily basis detailing my life and what happens in it. So those internet heroes who want to cast doubt on me and insinuate I'm a liar can feel totally free to leave this thread,no one is forcing you to read it or reply.
Ok update we have received a stroppy reply from the bride this morning. She says as we all know she is off on her honeymoon to Bali on Friday for two weeks upon her return she will be returning all our donations as she does not want "tainted" money given by people who feel they were coerced into donating. Some people take pride in donating to good causes and she felt the labelled boxes showed a "direction" she felt the donations should take but with hindsight she feels this was a mis-step as "obviously you can't all afford £50". It feels again like we're being told off, she isn't accepting any responsibility for making us feel uncomfortable and now she's calling us tight as well! I want to fire back as I'm angry but it won't get me anywhere. What I want to reply is "perhaps you could have had an 800 dress instead of an 8k one that would have got the donations off to a great start wouldn't it!" but I'm biting my tongue.
What do you mean 'if'? People are odd, they do odd things. The bride's behaviour, however odd it is, is not as odd as claiming Minnie made the whole story up!
Thanks ! It's completely strange to me that people would think I was lying, making a story up or fantasising about this. I mean why bother? I assume they think I am desperate for attention or something but I'm not I think I get on with most people here have enjoyed chats and debates and have no reason to lie about stuff like this. I'm a bit gobsmacked that people would even doubt me but it's the internet so I guess I'll just have to accept some people are like that.
What do you mean 'if'? People are odd, they do odd things. The bride's behaviour, however odd it is, is not as odd as claiming Minnie made the whole story up!
Excuse me? Where have I "claimed" the OP made the story up?
Perhaps my wording has been misinterpreted. What I am saying is that this story really does beggar belief. Most people would never dream of doing such a crass thing - all in the name of` 'charity'.
With respect a couple of things I've read catching up this morning. ~ I've never said the mother is or is not dying so why people are saying I've said both I have no idea. I said she is receiving treatment for breast cancer. The bride didn't suggest at any time the money was for her mother but was for the charity itself. We weren't at table 12, there were 12 of us on a table but regardless it would have been crass for us to approach the mother about it or even begin to ask or wonder how she felt. Lastly I'm not a liar, a troll or a fantasist, I don't come on DS and make ridiculous threads on an almost daily basis detailing my life and what happens in it. So those internet heroes who want to cast doubt on me and insinuate I'm a liar can feel totally free to leave this thread,no one is forcing you to read it or reply.
Ok update we have received a stroppy reply from the bride this morning. She says as we all know she is off on her honeymoon to Bali on Friday for two weeks upon her return she will be returning all our donations as she does not want "tainted" money given by people who feel they were coerced into donating. Some people take pride in donating to good causes and she felt the labelled boxes showed a "direction" she felt the donations should take but with hindsight she feels this was a mis-step as "obviously you can't all afford £50". It feels again like we're being told off, she isn't accepting any responsibility for making us feel uncomfortable and now she's calling us tight as well! I want to fire back as I'm angry but it won't get me anywhere. What I want to reply is "perhaps you could have had an 800 dress instead of an 8k one that would have got the donations off to a great start wouldn't it!" but I'm biting my tongue.
Thats the part that would bug me .Silly bride . She need to throw the shovel away and stop digging now
With respect a couple of things I've read catching up this morning. ~ I've never said the mother is or is not dying so why people are saying I've said both I have no idea. I said she is receiving treatment for breast cancer. The bride didn't suggest at any time the money was for her mother but was for the charity itself. We weren't at table 12, there were 12 of us on a table but regardless it would have been crass for us to approach the mother about it or even begin to ask or wonder how she felt. Lastly I'm not a liar, a troll or a fantasist, I don't come on DS and make ridiculous threads on an almost daily basis detailing my life and what happens in it. So those internet heroes who want to cast doubt on me and insinuate I'm a liar can feel totally free to leave this thread,no one is forcing you to read it or reply.
Ok update we have received a stroppy reply from the bride this morning. She says as we all know she is off on her honeymoon to Bali on Friday for two weeks upon her return she will be returning all our donations as she does not want "tainted" money given by people who feel they were coerced into donating. Some people take pride in donating to good causes and she felt the labelled boxes showed a "direction" she felt the donations should take but with hindsight she feels this was a mis-step as "obviously you can't all afford £50". It feels again like we're being told off, she isn't accepting any responsibility for making us feel uncomfortable and now she's calling us tight as well! I want to fire back as I'm angry but it won't get me anywhere. What I want to reply is "perhaps you could have had an 800 dress instead of an 8k one that would have got the donations off to a great start wouldn't it!" but I'm biting my tongue.
Sounds like someone i'd never want to be friends with. That would be the last i ever saw or heard of her
Thats the part that would bug me .Silly bride . She need to throw the shovel away and stop digging now
I think I'm just going to drop it and not reply. One guest has replied already telling her she is rude, patronising and her wedding was ostentatious to say the least and yes now she has made such an issue of it he would like his money back. He and his wife are already doing race for Life and will add the donation to what they raise and to basically go f herself. He say's it all really not sure I need to add anything !
With respect a couple of things I've read catching up this morning. ~ I've never said the mother is or is not dying so why people are saying I've said both I have no idea. I said she is receiving treatment for breast cancer. The bride didn't suggest at any time the money was for her mother but was for the charity itself. We weren't at table 12, there were 12 of us on a table but regardless it would have been crass for us to approach the mother about it or even begin to ask or wonder how she felt. Lastly I'm not a liar, a troll or a fantasist, I don't come on DS and make ridiculous threads on an almost daily basis detailing my life and what happens in it. So those internet heroes who want to cast doubt on me and insinuate I'm a liar can feel totally free to leave this thread,no one is forcing you to read it or reply.
Ok update we have received a stroppy reply from the bride this morning. She says as we all know she is off on her honeymoon to Bali on Friday for two weeks upon her return she will be returning all our donations as she does not want "tainted" money given by people who feel they were coerced into donating. Some people take pride in donating to good causes and she felt the labelled boxes showed a "direction" she felt the donations should take but with hindsight she feels this was a mis-step as "obviously you can't all afford £50". It feels again like we're being told off, she isn't accepting any responsibility for making us feel uncomfortable and now she's calling us tight as well! I want to fire back as I'm angry but it won't get me anywhere. What I want to reply is "perhaps you could have had an 800 dress instead of an 8k one that would have got the donations off to a great start wouldn't it!" but I'm biting my tongue.
After that if you still wish to donate I would send the money to the charity and have the receipt sent to the bride. I worked for a charity previous to my current job and people did that all the time or made donations in the name of someone. Perhaps that might make her feel a bit more human about the thing. Or perhaps she might like to volunteer for a day for one of these cancer charities and see how hard it is to raise £50, perhaps then she might realise how wonderful of a gift that is.
Comments
They should have just had the one donation box with no money markers on at all. Some people think everybody is as wealthy as them and have loads of spare cash floating around, but some of us don't.
And for all you know the wedding couple might have kept the donated cash for themselves anyway.
Personally, I probably wouldn't have turned up in the first place and just sent a card only. Sorry can't attend because (insert valid reason). A true friend would understand.
This friend of yours doesn't seem to be a particularly nice person. My impression.
And in my case, once you've been to a proper Indian wedding like I have, you are not really bothered about going to a bog standard traditional English wedding. It's like comparing chalk and cheese.
Maybe the 50 quidders got no starter or dessert and the gravy was less on the main .
Maybe the coffee was made with mud.
I'd reply back just thanking her for the day, say keep the donation and that it's nothing personal but you didn't see the need for labelled boxes and that it had the potential to make people feel uncomfortable if they were putting money in the lowest box or if they couldn't afford £50.
I would have to reply to her email. In her head you have moaned about donating to charity....charity I say!! I would just reply to her directly saying something like.
"I'm really disappointed that you have had to email asking if we want the money back. I was happy to donate to such a wonderful charity and will not require it back. I have to say though on the day I was very uncomfortable with boxes stating how much money was being donated on the side. I donated £50 which I felt was appropriate and was within my budget for gifts but I left the wedding feeling very embarrassed like I hadn't donated enough in your eyes. Hopefully with hindsight quantifying the amount wasn't a good idea. All being said I hope you raised a good amount, do let me know the final total!"
You cannot ignore this as you're the bad guy in her eyes (I bet she's telling others too) as she didn't hear all your talking about subject.
With respect, the OP would not know this. Sometimes people who have an incurable diagnosis don't even share the info with their nearest and dearest, let alone Table 12 at their daughter's wedding.
No excuse for the boxes - if I was the mother, I would want my illness put aside for the day. It should have been a day of pure joy for the mother.
If you want to fall out permanently, then respond to the email. If not then just wish her lots of happiness.
"Least said, soonest mended" was always a good policy
Is braying about your experiences really helpful in this instance?
I've never ever heard of anyone doing this, especially to friends!
Yes, it's very nice for this couple to forgoe their wedding presents, so they can give to charity, and the bride is obviously concerned for her mother, but what has that got to do with the hundred or so wedding guests that they invited?
Also, your friend could be reminded that donating to charity is simply that........a donation, regardless of the amount.
And I would say it actually is very bad etiquette on her part, to even talk about the amount of money that her guests are giving her, not the other way round!
I'd like to ask her, why on earth is it important to know who put in a 100 pounds and who put in 50 pounds? At the end of the day, what difference will it make, it's not as if they'll find the cure for cancer within those three boxes!
I even get mad if I were to be given a list of the wedding presents that the couple want to be given.......talk about being ungrateful!
I think in Europe, it's mostly money that people give, never normally presents, though the money is always in a sealed envelope and it would be considered very bad form for the bride to open it in public and start counting it....
What do you mean 'if'? People are odd, they do odd things. The bride's behaviour, however odd it is, is not as odd as claiming Minnie made the whole story up!
For all we know she could be keeping people up to date about every detail, still doesn't stand up as an excuse for behaving like a ****. If it wasn't the bride who made the boxes then she should have changed them not taken a tantrum when guests questioned it.
There should have been 3 boxes for £2, £10 and £20 per month with a pile of Direct Debit Authorisation forms alongside
When are threads in General Discussion really helpful. I was just saying like.
No need to have a pop at me.
If the OP wanted real advice, they should have started the thread in the Advice forum.
**cough** humblebrag **cough**
No I agree.
Weddings can be funny things. The preparation, the detail, is often organised to the nth degree, so I can see how the boxes thing happened - just over-organisation and interference. Some weddings are so, so far from relaxed affairs it is unreal. No couple getting married want their day to be over-formal and starchy, but many end up like that due to getting caught up in triviality and stressing about minutiae. I think this was likely the case here - a simple box for donations would have seemed too easy - got to fuss with it and make it more 'perfect'.
With respect a couple of things I've read catching up this morning. ~ I've never said the mother is or is not dying so why people are saying I've said both I have no idea. I said she is receiving treatment for breast cancer. The bride didn't suggest at any time the money was for her mother but was for the charity itself. We weren't at table 12, there were 12 of us on a table but regardless it would have been crass for us to approach the mother about it or even begin to ask or wonder how she felt. Lastly I'm not a liar, a troll or a fantasist, I don't come on DS and make ridiculous threads on an almost daily basis detailing my life and what happens in it. So those internet heroes who want to cast doubt on me and insinuate I'm a liar can feel totally free to leave this thread,no one is forcing you to read it or reply.
Ok update we have received a stroppy reply from the bride this morning. She says as we all know she is off on her honeymoon to Bali on Friday for two weeks upon her return she will be returning all our donations as she does not want "tainted" money given by people who feel they were coerced into donating. Some people take pride in donating to good causes and she felt the labelled boxes showed a "direction" she felt the donations should take but with hindsight she feels this was a mis-step as "obviously you can't all afford £50". It feels again like we're being told off, she isn't accepting any responsibility for making us feel uncomfortable and now she's calling us tight as well! I want to fire back as I'm angry but it won't get me anywhere. What I want to reply is "perhaps you could have had an 800 dress instead of an 8k one that would have got the donations off to a great start wouldn't it!" but I'm biting my tongue.
Perhaps I should have next time I need advice I'll post it there, will that make you happy and stop moaning about me?
Thanks ! It's completely strange to me that people would think I was lying, making a story up or fantasising about this. I mean why bother? I assume they think I am desperate for attention or something but I'm not I think I get on with most people here have enjoyed chats and debates and have no reason to lie about stuff like this. I'm a bit gobsmacked that people would even doubt me but it's the internet so I guess I'll just have to accept some people are like that.
Excuse me? Where have I "claimed" the OP made the story up?
Perhaps my wording has been misinterpreted. What I am saying is that this story really does beggar belief. Most people would never dream of doing such a crass thing - all in the name of` 'charity'.
Go hunt elsewhere for trolls, TH!
Sounds like someone i'd never want to be friends with. That would be the last i ever saw or heard of her
I think I'm just going to drop it and not reply. One guest has replied already telling her she is rude, patronising and her wedding was ostentatious to say the least and yes now she has made such an issue of it he would like his money back. He and his wife are already doing race for Life and will add the donation to what they raise and to basically go f herself. He say's it all really not sure I need to add anything !
I wasn't moaning about you. Just got annoyed with another poster using it as a platform to brag.