Not out of order at all wonkeydonkey, thanks for your input. You make a really good point actually - I find the apathy and the not doing anything about it at all so frustrating I could cry. I feel like I'm beginning to nag and thats making me feel really frustrated with myself on top of everything else. It's actually becoming the elephant in the room, it's becoming a huge issue and I just don't know what to do anymore. If I ignore it, nothing happens. If I talk about it, nothing happens.
:D:D
Eta: Sorry, don't want to appear unsympathetic but that was amusing. I hope you find a way to resolve this problem.
People can feel the way they want I'm not disputing that, if I had another partner who had a problem with my weight then that's his problem and he's out the door
I think that's being quite unfair what if it's concern for you that made them bring it up assuming that you were many stone overweight and beginning to get various health problems from it. Would he be out the door because he expressed concern for your health?
I dragged it out of my OH one day that the reason we were barely having sex anymore was because I had developed a 'tummy'.
It gave me the kick up the arse I needed to accept what I hitherto hadn't seen - as in over 3 extra stone - and do something about it. I'm now back down to a weight which is only half a stone or so more than when we first met (and the instance of bedroom malarkey has correspondingly increased )
Took me about 5 or so agonising years of on/off 'trying' to actually do that 'something' though!
I think that's being quite unfair what if it's concern for you that made them bring it up assuming that you were many stone overweight and beginning to get various health problems from it. Would he be out the door because he expressed concern for your health?
I dragged it out of my OH one day that the reason we were barely having sex anymore was because I had developed a 'tummy'.
It gave me the kick up the arse I needed to accept what I hitherto hadn't seen - as in over 3 extra stone - and do something about it. I'm now back down to a weight which is only half a stone or so more than when we first met (and the instance of bedroom malarkey has correspondingly increased )
Took me about 5 or so agonising years of on/off 'trying' to actually do that 'something' though!
This thread strikes a cord with me, I've been with my OH for over 5 years ago and while she was never "skinny", she was attractive enough, but now shes put on a fair bit (as have I but I always want to do something about it), and I have to say I dont find my OH attractive any more.
Difference is, I've been telling her for years but while she always says she will do something about it, the excuses always win the day.
Ironically, my OH wants to get married. I've been making my excuses, and frankly, the end of the road is not far away if she cannot or will not lose weight (and fix a multitude of other sins).
I'm not saying I'm perfect by any stretch of the imagination, but I am the one who wants things to change, and always having my own efforts derailed by someone who seems hell bent that they aren't going to change, all the while lying to my face saying they do want to change.
Frankly, if things don't change, then for me, the end will be here well within 12 - 18 months. I would be lying if I said it was the ONLY reason, but its quite a big reason (pun intended).
No doubt some of you will think I am a callous bastard (I've not actually read many of the replies on this thread), but I cannot change how I feel.
Judging by the amount of down arrows in the comments on the original article, I can't help think most would rather bury their heads in the sand. Explains a lot TBH.
This thread strikes a cord with me, I've been with my OH for over 5 years ago and while she was never "skinny", she was attractive enough, but now shes put on a fair bit (as have I but I always want to do something about it), and I have to say I dont find my OH attractive any more.
Difference is, I've been telling her for years but while she always says she will do something about it, the excuses always win the day.
Ironically, my OH wants to get married. I've been making my excuses, and frankly, the end of the road is not far away if she cannot or will not lose weight (and fix a multitude of other sins).
I'm not saying I'm perfect by any stretch of the imagination, but I am the one who wants things to change, and always having my own efforts derailed by someone who seems hell bent that they aren't going to change, all the while lying to my face saying they do want to change.
Frankly, if things don't change, then for me, the end will be here well within 12 - 18 months. I would be lying if I said it was the ONLY reason, but its quite a big reason (pun intended).
No doubt some of you will think I am a callous bastard (I've not actually read many of the replies on this thread), but I cannot change how I feel.
how would you feel if she found you less attractive?
and you're always derailed? Who's making excuses now!
maybe shes happy as she is and is just saying she wants to lose weight to keep you happy
lets hope your next girlfriend likes overweight men and lets hope she stays exactly the same weight
how would you feel if she found you less attractive?
and you're always derailed? Who's making excuses now!
maybe shes happy as she is and is just saying she wants to lose weight to keep you happy
lets hope your next girlfriend likes overweight men and lets hope she stays exactly the same weight
She has said many times to me I would be more attractive if I was slimmer. My response was to try and include her in lifestyle changes. However, after a while, she jacks it in. I'm happy to reciprocate the effort.
As for being derailed, she knows the only way that I will be able to resist my own demons is if I don't have one on the outside as well convincing me that yet another bottle of wine is a good idea, even down to buying them for me so she feels less guilty (she knows I've had issues with drinking in the past).
I know she isn't happy with her weight, she sometimes breaks down into tears after merely catching a reflection of herself in the mirror. Its also affecting her health and mood and she knows it.
I wouldn't be in any hurry to get with another girlfriend, but if / when the time comes I can absolutely guarantee I wont be overweight (its not like I'd have all that much weight to lose to look absolutely fine anyway).
I also wouldn't be so judgemental of a person you haven't met and a situation you don't fully understand.
She has said many times to me I would be more attractive if I was slimmer. My response was to try and include her in lifestyle changes. However, after a while, she jacks it in. I'm happy to reciprocate the effort.
As for being derailed, she knows the only way that I will be able to resist my own demons is if I don't have one on the outside as well convincing me that yet another bottle of wine is a good idea, even down to buying them for me so she feels less guilty (she knows I've had issues with drinking in the past).
I know she isn't happy with her weight, she sometimes breaks down into tears after merely catching a reflection of herself in the mirror. Its also affecting her health and mood and she knows it.
I wouldn't be in any hurry to get with another girlfriend, but if / when the time comes I can absolutely guarantee I wont be overweight (its not like I'd have all that much weight to lose to look absolutely fine anyway).
I also wouldn't be so judgemental of a person you haven't met and a situation you don't fully understand.
its rich you calling me judgemental but anyway
i would suggest that shes nit ready to lose weight yet, you are so you should just do it, she cant convince you of anything you don't want yourself
i would suggest that shes nit ready to lose weight yet, you are so you should just do it, she cant convince you of anything you don't want yourself
So what would you suggest I do then? Wait, possibly for the rest of my life for the moment she decides to lose weight, among other things, all the while not finding her sexy any more? A day which might never, ever happen. It affects her mood too, which means she is more depressed, bitter and negative than ever before, which only serves to consolidate my feelings.
I've been incredibly encouraging and supportive over the years. I recently paid the joining fee for a gym membership she wanted only for her to go once.
I know this might come as a surprise, but some people do actually find attraction a significant portion of what makes a relationship work. Personally, I don't think its too much to ask.
Each to their own, but I would rather no relationship than one which is, frankly, starting to become a bit crap.
So what would you suggest I do then? Wait, possibly for the rest of my life for the moment she decides to lose weight, among other things, all the while not finding her sexy any more? A day which might never, ever happen. It affects her mood too, which means she is more depressed, bitter and negative than ever before, which only serves to consolidate my feelings.
I've been incredibly encouraging and supportive over the years. I recently paid the joining fee for a gym membership she wanted only for her to go once.
I know this might come as a surprise, but some people do actually find attraction a significant portion of what makes a relationship work. Personally, I don't think its too much to ask.
Each to their own, but I would rather no relationship than one which is, frankly, starting to become a bit crap.
then why not end it now, why string her along for another 12-18 months!
people like you annoy me a bit, instead of setting her free to find someone who might appreciate her you want to string her along for longer despite not finding her attractive even though finding your partner attractive is a big thing for you
then why not end it now, why string her along for another 12-18 months!
people like you annoy me a bit, instead of setting her free to find someone who might appreciate her you want to string her along for longer despite not finding her attractive even though finding your partner attractive is a big thing for you
Inclined to agree with this to be honest, you sound pretty sure you will be ending it with her in the next year and a half and have said it's not the only reason and also that your relationship has become crap.
This thread strikes a cord with me, I've been with my OH for over 5 years ago and while she was never "skinny", she was attractive enough, but now shes put on a fair bit (as have I but I always want to do something about it), and I have to say I dont find my OH attractive any more.
Difference is, I've been telling her for years but while she always says she will do something about it, the excuses always win the day.
Ironically, my OH wants to get married. I've been making my excuses, and frankly, the end of the road is not far away if she cannot or will not lose weight (and fix a multitude of other sins).
I'm not saying I'm perfect by any stretch of the imagination, but I am the one who wants things to change, and always having my own efforts derailed by someone who seems hell bent that they aren't going to change, all the while lying to my face saying they do want to change.
Frankly, if things don't change, then for me, the end will be here well within 12 - 18 months. I would be lying if I said it was the ONLY reason, but its quite a big reason (pun intended).
No doubt some of you will think I am a callous bastard (I've not actually read many of the replies on this thread), but I cannot change how I feel.
Judging by the amount of down arrows in the comments on the original article, I can't help think most would rather bury their heads in the sand. Explains a lot TBH.
I think it's better that you're honest and possibly hurt her feelings if it's really a deal-breaker for you. We would all like to think our other half's love us for who we are inside, but for many a change in appearance can be too much to overcome. Let people call you shallow if they want, better that than being stuck with someone out of pity, making yourself (and probably her too) miserable. It might be helpful if you present it to her as something the two of you can do together, and be honest and say that if you don't see her making an effort with you in that department then you will be parting ways. People can't always help the way they feel.
My ex boyfriend was a bit chubby, but he was a really nice man (he relocated to South Africa for work, hence the demise of the relationship). He wasn't dangerously overweight, but if our relationship had lasted, I'd probably have encouraged him to lose a bit, but surreptitiously, like long walks with the dog every day, and stocking the fridge with zero fat yoghurt, low-fat cheese, salad and fruit. I'd never tell my partner I didn't fancy him, even if it was true. I'm not into destroying anyone's self-esteem.
I think it's better that you're honest and possibly hurt her feelings if it's really a deal-breaker for you. We would all like to think our other half's love us for who we are inside, but for many a change in appearance can be too much to overcome. Let people call you shallow if they want, better that than being stuck with someone out of pity, making yourself (and probably her too) miserable. It might be helpful if you present it to her as something the two of you can do together, and be honest and say that if you don't see her making an effort with you in that department then you will be parting ways. People can't always help the way they feel.
Has her weight affected her health at all?
I've been trying to get her to do this as something we do together, but the most she's been able to hack it is for a couple of months... after which she starts to feel better and then seems even more determined to get into her old ways.
I think it certainly is affecting her health, and as she's older than me to start with, I reckon she should be taking it more seriously. She has health scares and then when she's forgotten about that, its back to the usual.
As for the others replies, the reason I don't go now is because I do love her believe it or not, and want to see her turn the corner, but after the amount of chances I've given her, I just think we're at the last chance now. I honestly have no idea whether it will work itself out, but she knows how I feel, but I just think she possibly thinks I wont go through with it, and I can't blame her, she's got away with it for long enough now. Its at the crunch point where she thinks we should be taking things further, but I am unwilling to take things further knowing things could get even worse.
This thread strikes a cord with me, I've been with my OH for over 5 years ago and while she was never "skinny", she was attractive enough, but now shes put on a fair bit (as have I but I always want to do something about it), and I have to say I dont find my OH attractive any more.
Difference is, I've been telling her for years but while she always says she will do something about it, the excuses always win the day.
Ironically, my OH wants to get married. I've been making my excuses, and frankly, the end of the road is not far away if she cannot or will not lose weight (and fix a multitude of other sins).
I'm not saying I'm perfect by any stretch of the imagination, but I am the one who wants things to change, and always having my own efforts derailed by someone who seems hell bent that they aren't going to change, all the while lying to my face saying they do want to change.
Frankly, if things don't change, then for me, the end will be here well within 12 - 18 months. I would be lying if I said it was the ONLY reason, but its quite a big reason (pun intended).
No doubt some of you will think I am a callous bastard (I've not actually read many of the replies on this thread), but I cannot change how I feel.
Judging by the amount of down arrows in the comments on the original article, I can't help think most would rather bury their heads in the sand. Explains a lot TBH.
fatty in unhappy with fatty partner hypocrisy. It's her fault I'm so weak. man up, leave and find someone you are happy with....and let her do the same. I hope she bins you tbh!
This thread strikes a cord with me, I've been with my OH for over 5 years ago and while she was never "skinny", she was attractive enough, but now shes put on a fair bit (as have I but I always want to do something about it), and I have to say I dont find my OH attractive any more.
Difference is, I've been telling her for years but while she always says she will do something about it, the excuses always win the day.
Ironically, my OH wants to get married. I've been making my excuses, and frankly, the end of the road is not far away if she cannot or will not lose weight (and fix a multitude of other sins).
I'm not saying I'm perfect by any stretch of the imagination, but I am the one who wants things to change, and always having my own efforts derailed by someone who seems hell bent that they aren't going to change, all the while lying to my face saying they do want to change.
Frankly, if things don't change, then for me, the end will be here well within 12 - 18 months. I would be lying if I said it was the ONLY reason, but its quite a big reason (pun intended).
No doubt some of you will think I am a callous bastard (I've not actually read many of the replies on this thread), but I cannot change how I feel.
Judging by the amount of down arrows in the comments on the original article, I can't help think most would rather bury their heads in the sand. Explains a lot TBH.
This has made me feel sick to my stomach. You can't believe your partner has the audacity to want to marry you because she is overweight? And yet you are overweight yourself? You're making puns on the internet about your girlfriend and how you want to bin her because of her size? You should do it now, you'd be doing the poor girl a favour.
Might have known some of the over sensitive ninnies on here would find it offensive!
Sad thing is though you're all probably right - should just give it up as a bad job, rather than hopefully get through it together. Forgive me for thinking this might be a viable option. I bow down to your superior worldly knowledge.
Comments
Basically yes
Seems a bit shallow to label how men and women should act and dress.
I'm not labelling anything
Of course.
But that's women for you.
No, not at all
Take a look at some dating websites and you'll see which sex is fussier.
No thanks, it's not a competition
I'm sure each sex is as fussy as the other
I dated someone who was around 17 stones. I didn't tell him to lose weight.
The danger of saying that's women for you is that not all women behave the same way.
Eta: Sorry, don't want to appear unsympathetic but that was amusing. I hope you find a way to resolve this problem.
I think that's being quite unfair what if it's concern for you that made them bring it up assuming that you were many stone overweight and beginning to get various health problems from it. Would he be out the door because he expressed concern for your health?
It gave me the kick up the arse I needed to accept what I hitherto hadn't seen - as in over 3 extra stone - and do something about it. I'm now back down to a weight which is only half a stone or so more than when we first met (and the instance of bedroom malarkey has correspondingly increased
Took me about 5 or so agonising years of on/off 'trying' to actually do that 'something' though!
yes
my weight = my business
if i was happy then leave me to it
is he the same weight as when you first met?
Difference is, I've been telling her for years but while she always says she will do something about it, the excuses always win the day.
Ironically, my OH wants to get married. I've been making my excuses, and frankly, the end of the road is not far away if she cannot or will not lose weight (and fix a multitude of other sins).
I'm not saying I'm perfect by any stretch of the imagination, but I am the one who wants things to change, and always having my own efforts derailed by someone who seems hell bent that they aren't going to change, all the while lying to my face saying they do want to change.
Frankly, if things don't change, then for me, the end will be here well within 12 - 18 months. I would be lying if I said it was the ONLY reason, but its quite a big reason (pun intended).
No doubt some of you will think I am a callous bastard (I've not actually read many of the replies on this thread), but I cannot change how I feel.
Judging by the amount of down arrows in the comments on the original article, I can't help think most would rather bury their heads in the sand. Explains a lot TBH.
how would you feel if she found you less attractive?
and you're always derailed? Who's making excuses now!
maybe shes happy as she is and is just saying she wants to lose weight to keep you happy
lets hope your next girlfriend likes overweight men and lets hope she stays exactly the same weight
She has said many times to me I would be more attractive if I was slimmer. My response was to try and include her in lifestyle changes. However, after a while, she jacks it in. I'm happy to reciprocate the effort.
As for being derailed, she knows the only way that I will be able to resist my own demons is if I don't have one on the outside as well convincing me that yet another bottle of wine is a good idea, even down to buying them for me so she feels less guilty (she knows I've had issues with drinking in the past).
I know she isn't happy with her weight, she sometimes breaks down into tears after merely catching a reflection of herself in the mirror. Its also affecting her health and mood and she knows it.
I wouldn't be in any hurry to get with another girlfriend, but if / when the time comes I can absolutely guarantee I wont be overweight (its not like I'd have all that much weight to lose to look absolutely fine anyway).
I also wouldn't be so judgemental of a person you haven't met and a situation you don't fully understand.
its rich you calling me judgemental but anyway
i would suggest that shes nit ready to lose weight yet, you are so you should just do it, she cant convince you of anything you don't want yourself
So what would you suggest I do then? Wait, possibly for the rest of my life for the moment she decides to lose weight, among other things, all the while not finding her sexy any more? A day which might never, ever happen. It affects her mood too, which means she is more depressed, bitter and negative than ever before, which only serves to consolidate my feelings.
I've been incredibly encouraging and supportive over the years. I recently paid the joining fee for a gym membership she wanted only for her to go once.
I know this might come as a surprise, but some people do actually find attraction a significant portion of what makes a relationship work. Personally, I don't think its too much to ask.
Each to their own, but I would rather no relationship than one which is, frankly, starting to become a bit crap.
then why not end it now, why string her along for another 12-18 months!
people like you annoy me a bit, instead of setting her free to find someone who might appreciate her you want to string her along for longer despite not finding her attractive even though finding your partner attractive is a big thing for you
Inclined to agree with this to be honest, you sound pretty sure you will be ending it with her in the next year and a half and have said it's not the only reason and also that your relationship has become crap.
I think it's better that you're honest and possibly hurt her feelings if it's really a deal-breaker for you. We would all like to think our other half's love us for who we are inside, but for many a change in appearance can be too much to overcome. Let people call you shallow if they want, better that than being stuck with someone out of pity, making yourself (and probably her too) miserable. It might be helpful if you present it to her as something the two of you can do together, and be honest and say that if you don't see her making an effort with you in that department then you will be parting ways. People can't always help the way they feel.
Has her weight affected her health at all?
I've been trying to get her to do this as something we do together, but the most she's been able to hack it is for a couple of months... after which she starts to feel better and then seems even more determined to get into her old ways.
I think it certainly is affecting her health, and as she's older than me to start with, I reckon she should be taking it more seriously. She has health scares and then when she's forgotten about that, its back to the usual.
As for the others replies, the reason I don't go now is because I do love her believe it or not, and want to see her turn the corner, but after the amount of chances I've given her, I just think we're at the last chance now. I honestly have no idea whether it will work itself out, but she knows how I feel, but I just think she possibly thinks I wont go through with it, and I can't blame her, she's got away with it for long enough now. Its at the crunch point where she thinks we should be taking things further, but I am unwilling to take things further knowing things could get even worse.
fatty in unhappy with fatty partner hypocrisy. It's her fault I'm so weak. man up, leave and find someone you are happy with....and let her do the same. I hope she bins you tbh!
This has made me feel sick to my stomach. You can't believe your partner has the audacity to want to marry you because she is overweight? And yet you are overweight yourself? You're making puns on the internet about your girlfriend and how you want to bin her because of her size? You should do it now, you'd be doing the poor girl a favour.
Sad thing is though you're all probably right - should just give it up as a bad job, rather than hopefully get through it together. Forgive me for thinking this might be a viable option. I bow down to your superior worldly knowledge.